The Awakening (of Prankster Spirits)
by liliace
Summary: A Slytherin has the cunning, a Gryffindor has the courage, and together they can do anything. (Or: how Hogwarts came to suffer even after the Marauders and Weasley twins were gone.) Slight crack, AU sixth year. (6th chapter finally up: other Gryffindors draw their own conclusions and Harry wonders about their sanity.)
1. Prologue

_A/N: This story is mostly humour, with a bit of serious stuff thrown in occasionally. The prologue is very different from other chapters, but it's a necessary evil since the background information is needed. I have four chapters written and I'll post the first one today, but the others I'll post one per week. I'm writing this story whenever I get inspiration, so after those four pre-written chapters the updates will be highly erratic._

_The pairing is HP/DM, but it's simply going to be hinted at and never really explored (unless I write a flashback at some point), so you can just pretend they're friends if that's not your cup of tea._

_This story was beta'd by my wonderful friend Kira._

_Disclaimer: I own nothing and I get no profit whatsoever from writing this._

_On that note, enjoy!_

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><p><strong>Prologue<strong>

It hurt. It hurt so much to even think about him, of the past, of the decisions made, of the screams, the yelling, the laughing. All that kept Harry sane for the beginning of the summer was working, and boy, did the Dursleys take full advantage of that. But now, at number 12 Grimmauld Place, there was nothing for him to do. He had finished his homework already, spent many sleepless nights doing it – for what good was sleep if he only had nightmares and was forced to live through the pain again come morning?

So the boy with black hair and green eyes sat on a chair in the library, hoping to distract himself of his mistakes by reading and learning, at the same time looking for things that might help him defeat Voldemort. He was only 16, having had his birthday the day before – when the Order members came to get him and held a birthday party for him at the Headquarters – and yet no one would have dared to refer to him as a child anymore, for he had far too much pain and responsibilities on his slender shoulders. Of course most didn't even know the half of it – no one did, except for Dumbledore and Harry himself. He hadn't even told his friends about the prophecy, and dear old Dumbles had said that the spy didn't know about the "kill or be killed" part.

So, yeah, his life was just spiffing amazing. He was convinced that some higher power was out to get him, or at least make him suffer as much as possible. And just to make him believe in that even more, the world threw his enemy number five (after Voldie, the Rat, Bellabitch and the Bat) at him. Well, there can be some debate about whether someone actually _threw _him, but at least Ferret crashed into him. So really, it didn't make any difference.

"What the hell are you doing here?! I thought this fucking house was protected! Oh fuck, why do people insist on using the Fidelius... Thought they would have learned the first time..." Ranting, Harry didn't first notice how small and terrified Malfoy (Jr.) looked, but when he made to move the blonde off his lap, he noticed how the other boy flinched. Just then he spotted the dark circles around Malfoy's eyes and that he no longer held himself as arrogantly as in the past.

"Malfoy? Are... are you okay? Really though, what are you doing here?" Harry's voice was softer and didn't hold anger or hatred anymore, which helped the other to gain some of his confidence back.

"I'm fine, Potter. And in case you didn't know, I live here," Malfoy said, his posture and tone of voice defensive, almost as if he was afraid Harry would kick him out. Which technically he could do, being the heir of the Black line and all that, but he had no intention of throwing someone so obviously vulnerable out.

"Live here? What the hell? Shouldn't you be kissing Voldemort's ass to rescue your father?" The words came out more spitefully than Harry had intended, but old habits die hard and all that. Draco first looked like he had been slapped, and then cleared his face like only a practiced Slytherin could.

"My mother and I decided that not joining the Dark Lord would be for the best. She's staying here, too."

"... Oh. Why? How? Who?" Surprisingly, these questions and their meaning was clear to both boys.

"It's not your business," here Harry lifted an eyebrow as he had learned from watching Snape, because really, the guy was living in his house, and realizing this Malfoy hastily added, "but I guess I can humor you this once. You-know-who's winning chances seem a bit low – yes yes, ha-ha-ha – and... I don't want to become a murderer. My mother only wishes to protect me. That was why she went to Severus, and after some talking, he took us to Dumbledore who then decided that we were safe and not spies."

"Oh. Okay. I still don't trust you, Malfoy. And I certainly don't like you."

"Wouldn't expect you to."

Maybe it was because Harry hadn't meant his words in the first place, or because Malfoy sounded so small when he answered, or because of his "hero complex", or maybe just simply because it distracted him from Sirius' death, but gradually Harry found himself spending more and more time with Malfoy, trying to figure him out and help him. The blonde usually kept to himself – which was why Harry hadn't seen him at his birthday party, and he assumed Narcissa Malfoy was much the same – but he didn't seem to mind Harry's company, so Harry continued to seek him out again and again.

And slowly, ever so slowly, the raven-headed boy began to heal. The more he talked with Malfoy about his godfather, the more the other boy trusted him with his own secrets (such as he had been ordered to kill Dumbledore) in return. They formed a bond, not build on friendship, but on desperate need of one another. And somehow, it worked for the two of them, and as Malfoy started to lose some of his Malfoyness, Harry started to mature. Soon they both could talk about their pasts freely, and Harry started remembering the good times he had had with his godfather and the stories he had told instead of the pain of his death, and he rarely had any nightmares anymore. Malfoy in turn had shared his thoughts about his father and his imprisonment, and learnt what he had believed all along – that his father and Voldemort had been wrong. Because if they could hate this green-eyed boy, this young man who had welcomed him to his house after all the shit he had done, how could they know what was right for the world?

The Order members and the other teens were confused about the change in Harry and his relationship with his former rival. Ron especially needed some calming down, but after Hermione pointed out how much better Harry had seemed to be doing as of late, he sighed in resignation and watched from the sidelines along with everyone else as Harry and Malfoy helped each other. No one said anything to the pair because they were afraid to break whatever was going on, as it was obviously good for them. Remus didn't even ask why Harry had suddenly requested to hear more about the Marauders' school days and just complied gladly. It was good that Harry could talk about Sirius.

Well, perhaps not for everyone...

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><p><em>Reviews are always appreciated! And if you spot a mistake (grammar, canon, etc) I'll be happy to correct it if you point it out.<em>


	2. Chapter 1

_A/N: This was inspired by "things I am not allowed to do at Hogwarts"._

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><p><strong>Chapter one (In which Snape is missing an orange anorak)<strong>

They had been in school for two weeks when it started. It was a Defense Against the Dark Arts class taught by Snape, including both Slytherin and Gryffindor sixth years for a change. There would be many rumors starting from that day, including that Draco Malfoy had been under the Imperious, that he had lost his mind, and that the whole class had had a mass hallucination. Because there's really no reason for Malfoy to be disrespectful towards his favourite teacher.

The class begun as it normally would – Snape lectured them about something, he wouldn't let Hermione answer, Gryffindor lost points while Slytherin gained them, Snape forced Harry and Draco to practice together – but then, Draco raised his hand.

"Is it really necessary for me to always be with Scarhead, Kenny?"

The whole class stared at him like he had grown a second head.

"... Excuse me, Mr. Malfoy?"

"I would just like to train with someone more on _my _level for once, Kenny."

"... Did you just call me Kenny, Malfoy?"

"Well, yes. All you need would be an orange anorak."

Now a few of the muggleborns caught on to what Draco was doing and were even more disbelieving. Surely the great Draco Malfoy didn't just use a muggle reference?

"... Do you want detention, Malfoy?"

"No. But don't you think Kenny is appropriate, professor?"

Harry was the first to crack. He stifled a snort at the blonde's antics and hid his smile behind his hand. Snape glared at him briefly but couldn't deduct points or give him detention without doing the same to Draco.

"And why, pray tell, would I think that?"

"Oh, never mind. You at least talk understandably, Ken- sorry, professor."

At this point most of the muggleborns and some half-bloods were shaking with laughter. Hermione was busy frowning at Draco and explaining the reference to Ron as quietly as possible.

"Get to work!" Snape barked when the Gryffindors were still either laughing or listening to Hermione's explanation and Slytherins staring at Malfoy like he had lost his mind. (Because even though not all of them were purebloods, and therefore some understood what Draco was talking about, no Slytherin would voluntarily inflict Snape's wrath on themselves.)

Everyone hurriedly got to their appointed pairs and started practicing the spells and curses they were supposed to. But every once in a while everyone would look at Draco and Harry, who were both still grinning, though the Slytherin's smile was more inconspicuous.

"That was great! And did you see his confused look! Probably hasn't seen South Park in all his life!" Harry whispered excitedly while distractedly blocking a curse fired by the blonde.

"I know! Though I almost expected him to catch on; he is half-blood after all", Draco whispered back in between his hexes.

"Good that he didn't. Oh, and thank you for the compliment. Y'know, saying that you would need a partner more on your level", the Boy-Who-Lived smirked. That would have sounded cocky, and everyone would have thought he was baitingDraco, if not for the fact that the blond's cheeks gained a faint pink colour and he smiled back.

However, unfortunately for the castle's residents, that was just the beginning.

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><p><em>Yes, I am aware that South Park wasn't created until 1997, but for the sake of this story I moved it back a bit.<em>

_If you have ideas on what I should write about, I'd be happy to hear them!_


	3. Chapter 2

_A/N: This chapter was also inspired by "things I am not allowed to do at Hogwarts". The next one will be about a "life hack" and posted next week._

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><p><strong>Chapter two (In which Slughorn is confused)<strong>

The next four days passed quite normally, and little by little everyone started to forget about Draco's momentary lapse into insanity. In the end, everyone decided that someone had drugged and/or cursed the blond Slytherin into disrespecting his favourite teacher, and as such he got away scot-free – excluding the staring and gossiping, of course.

As school had been in session long enough for new teachers (which meant only Slughorn) to deduce the abilities of their students, it was quite a surprise that the Potions Professor had chosen Harry as his pet student. This came as a shock to many people, since the seeker's abilities in potions were widely known – namely, that he didn't have any (but even he was still better than Longbottom). Most didn't understand how Harry had become such an excellent Potions student seemingly over-summer, but a few knew the truth: Harry had help from a certain half-blood Prince.

(Hermione didn't want him "cheating" by using the guidelines someone had written during their time as a student, but seeing as they were just an improved recipe, Harry didn't see what the big deal was. He suspected that the brightest witch in a century was just jealous because she was outshone. She also claimed that some of the spells written on the sides might be dangerous, and that Harry should hand the book in because they had no idea who the "prince" was, but Harry wasn't too keen on that. He, you see, already knew the previous owner's identity, but hadn't mentioned it to either of his best friends seeing as Hermione would insist he return the book to Snape, and Ron that he shouldn't use it seeing as Snape was an evil git. He rather liked the book, thank you very much, even if the improvements had been made by Draco's godfather. Which was of course how Harry knew who the book had belonged to; the blond recognized his father figure's handwriting.)

It was at the start of one Potions lesson that things got interesting again. Since N.E.W.T. Potions had so few students in it, all the houses were in the same class, and as such some Ravenclaws and Hufflepuffs were there to witness the oddness this time around.

Before Slughorn had the chance to even begin the day's lecture, Harry raised his hand. Most students looked at him weirdly, but the Professor simply smiled happily at his favourite student.

"Harry, my boy, what can I help you with?" he asked cheerfully.

"Well, sir, I was just wondering…" Harry began, and since Slughorn had taught the teen's father and godfather, he really should have recognized the signs of someone about to cause trouble. But because he was so taken with his new collection piece, he simply motioned Harry to go on.

"Is today's project suitable for use as a sexual lubricant?" the Gryffindor seeker asked seemingly innocently.

The whole classroom got quiet, before Ron and other boys began to laugh quietly, while some girls giggled and some had pink cheeks and stern expressions (*cough* Hermione *cough*). Slughorn looked like someone had told him Felix Felicis gives bad luck and stood there blinking and opening and closing his mouth for a couple of minutes, while the outbreak in the classroom quieted down.

"Are you quite okay, Mr. Potter?" the Professor asked once he finally found his voice and was now studying Harry with a concerned expression, clearly disbelieving that his favourite student had just actually asked that.

"Of course I am, Professor! I just wanted to know since both my date and I had run out and we need some extra", Harry answered smiling benignly. At that many made choking noises, as they had had no idea that the Boy-Who-Lived was dating someone, and some got that spark in their eyes that says "run away screaming, I've just gotten new gossiping material".

"H-Harry..?" Slughorn's voice was quite faint, but he visibly pulled himself together before actually giving an answer to Harry's question. "Well, I was planning on you making the Draught of the Living dead today, which would not be suitable for that purpose, but I guess we could do that next week and instead today brew some muscle relaxant paste…" He was clearly uncomfortable, but chuckled lightly and Harry grinned widely at him.


	4. Chapter 3

_A/N: As promised, here's the next chapter! This one was inspired by a life hack from tumblr: "If someone makes a racist/sexist joke, say, with total seriousness, "I don't get it, can you explain it" and then watch them crash and burn." (credit for that goes to tumblr user steinbecks)_

_Hope you like it!_

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><p><strong>Chapter Three (In which Harry uses a life hack)<strong>

"If I didn't know better, I'd think she was a Slytherin!"

Harry turned slowly to look at McLaggen, who had just made a joke that had almost everyone in the common room laughing. The seeker frowned and made eye-contact with his bushy-haired best friend, who rolled her eyes. Harry didn't exactly like the idea that she was so used to those kinds of jokes, so he decided to speak up.

"I'm sorry, I don't get it. Can you explain it to me?" he asked as innocently as possible, controlling his urge to cackle maniacally when everyone who had been listening to the reserve keeper turned to look at him incredulously. Even Ron, the adorable little goofball who sometimes really pissed Harry off, was looking at him like he had grown a second head (that looked like Voldemort. Because Harry was quite sure that just having two heads wasn't that unheard of in the wizarding world).

"Um, what? Are you an idiot, Potter?" McLaggen's statement caused some people to chuckle, but some were looking between them clearly expecting the resulting fight to be good. Too bad Harry wasn't planning on fighting with anyone.

"Nope, I just think I missed the point of your joke," the seeker smiled and willed himself not to look like he was up to something. Judging by the way Hermione was intently studying him and Ron was frowning at him, he didn't think he succeeded too well (then again, they knew him best, so maybe no one else noticed anything).

"It's not that difficult to get…" another boy spoke up, staring at Harry, who just tilted his head in question. The boy sighed and motioned for someone else to explain it.

"She refused to do anything more than kiss him, even though she was wearing those revealing clothes," Seamus spoke up, acting like his words explained everything. Now some girls were glaring at the Irishman and McLaggen as well as at all other boys who nodded along. Hermione was smirking slightly instead, looking at Harry from the corner of her eye.

"… So? You really need to explain it better than that," Harry said, seemingly still not getting it. There was a collective sigh from the boys which caused the girls' scowls to increase in power.

"So, since she did something mean, it wouldn't have been surprising if she belonged to Slytherin. Since it's the house of evil," another random boy spoke up (Harry had the feeling that he should be making a better attempt at learning his housemates' names, but considering that they all seemed to be buying into that bullshit about boys being entitled to sex and Slytherins being the root of all evil, he didn't think he'd want to get to know them anyway). At this point Ron finally clued in to what Harry was doing and rapidly paled, shooting a worried glance towards Hermione, who glared at him a bit before nodding sharply, the message "don't do it again" clearly sent and received. Too bad that most guys still didn't realize what position they had placed themselves in.

"Slytherin the house of evil? Really? So you're saying that all those adorable eleven-year-olds are inherently cruel and mean? Or perhaps that being in that specific house makes them evil, in which case wouldn't it make more sense to try to protect those innocent firsties by hanging out with them? Or maybe you think that when the Hat shouts "Slytherin!", something inside a person changes so you can't be their friend anymore? And my grandmother was a Slytherin, just so you know. (1) As was Andromeda Tonks nee Black, who married a muggleborn and was cast out of the family. So are you saying they are evil too? Because if you agree with me in that they aren't, how can you claim that Slytherin is "the evil house" when clearly some of the students there are okay and nice people?"

Many of the Gryffindors were openly gawking at Harry now, but he was used to it so it didn't bother him that much. At least this time it was because of something he actually did or said, not because of rumors.

"But almost all Slytherins are evil, so what if we generalize it a bit!" one guy shouted and many nodded along. Harry mentally groaned at their thickheadedness and lamented the fact that he probably couldn't change their opinions before they grew up enough to stop thinking that the world was black and white. His expression didn't show his annoyance though, he simply raised an eyebrow at the boy and looked glanced around.

"Okay… So you obviously won't accept that Slytherins aren't evil. Fine. But, then, is what you're saying that because a girl decided to dress herself up in some specific way, she is obligated to help a guy get an orgasm even if she's not comfortable with the idea? Because I can't recall any female demanding a boy to give them some relief even when he was walking around without a shirt on. But when a girl decides to flash a bit, they immediately have to in some way help the guy get off because not doing so – and leaving the boy to use his own hand – is most definitely evil? Since obviously the boy's pleasure if _far_ more important than the discomfort it would cause the girl," Harry finished sarcastically.

The common room was completely silent as everyone took Harry's words in. He himself was looking decidedly unimpressed as he stared down each boy one by one, and the girls were shocked that a male had actually defended their right to say "no". Hermione was trying to not to grin proudly at Harry, because that would probably ruin the effect of the boy's speech and the bookworm most definitely didn't want that. Ron was blushing a bit and looking at his hopefully-soon-to-be girlfriend through his lashes, silently apologizing.

No one said anything for a while, because the girls wanted that well**-**given speech to stay in the boys' minds, and the guys couldn't quite figure out how to defend themselves without looking even more like arses and thus causing the girls to hex them.

It was, quite unsurprisingly, Harry who broke the silence. He felt like his words had made an impact, and perhaps might help the guys to think things through first the next time, and he had plans for that evening.

"Now if you'll excuse me, I'll go ahead and go meet my mystery date, who just so happens to be a Slytherin. You just sit there and hope your girlfriends won't see it fit to break up with you."

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><p>(1) Going with the popular theory that James' parents were Charlus and Dorea Potter, née Black, and the mentioned fact that Sirius was the first Black not to be in Slytherin<p>

_Thank you for reading, and reviews are gold~ Next chapter will have more Draco (in a slightly different form, but Draco anyway) ^^_


	5. Chapter 4

_A/N: This is an idea I got from a tumblr post (originally from transtonks) about how Tonks could have messed with people's heads by transforming into Dumbledore. I changed it a bit, and here's the end result!_

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><p><strong>Chapter 4 (In which students see double)<strong>

It was a normal day for the majority of the population of Hogwarts. Breakfast was like usual, the first periods were boring, but then at lunch, something different happened.

Harry Potter walked in with his best friend, Hermione.

This would not have been odd, except five minutes after that, Harry Potter walked in with his other best friend, Ron. It took surprisingly long for students and teachers to realize that something was wrong, but Ron's rather loud yelp at seeing his friend double managed to gather their attention.

"Harry?" he asked shakily looking between the two clones. Hermione's eyes widened as she opened her mouth to say something, but stopped herself at the last minute. She frowned, then, and looked at both Harrys disapprovingly.

"Wait, who are you?" the Harrys asked each other at the same time. Then they both glared and started to say something else, but the brightest witch of their generation saw fit to interrupt there.

"This is easy to solve, isn't it? We'll just ask you questions to determine which of you is the real one," she stated, lifting her eyebrow challengingly. The Harrys glanced at each other, gulped audibly, and then nodded.

Some may be wondering why none of the teachers stopped them, but there is a simple answer for that. You see, Dumbledore found this to be great entertainment, especially seeing as neither of the Harrys seemed panicked (which the real one undoubtedly would be if he really didn't know what was going on and why someone was impersonating him). Other teachers, mainly McGonagall, wanted to interfere, but the Headmaster's subtle headshake stopped them. Snape probably wouldn't have cared about that and would have gone to take points from Gryffindor anyway, but he wasn't there (which might be why our two Harrys chose that time to act out their scheme).

"How did you find out Snuffles was innocent?" Hermione asked siriusly. She wouldn't have asked a question related to Harry's godfather if she didn't know that the scar of his death had healed, and anyway, the whole 'ask the Harrys questions' plan was so that she could ask him increasingly personal questions and pressure him into breaking his charade.

"This huge grim came out of nowhere, attacked Ron, dragged him under the Whomping Willow, proceeded to tell us that Ron's rat was actually a 33-year-old man, and then tried to kill the rat with a werewolf helping him," the first Harry [who had entered with Hermione, and who shall from now on be known as Harryst] answered with a perfect pokerface, even though the majority of the people in the Great Hall were looking at him like he was crazy.

"No no, what really happened was that Sirius Black, the mass murderer, kidnapped Ron, chatted with us for a while, and then our best Defence teacher showed up, and they both proceeded to tell me stories about my dad until Snape came along, and we all blasted him into a wall," the second Harry [who obviously had entered with Ron, and who shall be called Harrynd from now on] protested. Cue everyone turning to look at _him_ like he was crazy.

Hermione just sighed and proceeded onto the next question.

"How did we learn that Malfoy wasn't behind the whole Chamber of Secrets episode?"

Harrynd frowned before answering: "Well, first of all, you should be more specific, since Malfoy really was behind it all, but that was Senior. We learnt that Junior hadn't a clue about it because he's a whiny little shit."

This had many of their audience snickering, not the least Ron. Their clever friend just sighed and rolled her eyes heavenward.

"Not really, we learnt that he was innocent of that because he's a bragging bastard," Harryst corrected the other Harry, causing Ron to burst out into uncontrollable laughter. When people eyed him oddly, he waved them off (no way was he going to explain that knowing that Malfoy had just called himself either of those things was absolutely hilarious; he didn't want to ruin Harry's scheme yet).

"Fine. Then, when you started dating, who did you tell first?" Hermione narrowed her eyes. She didn't actually know the answer to this one, and she was just honestly curious. So was mostly everyone else, too: the gossip of the Boy Who Lived dating someone hadn't died down yet.

"Uh… If you're asking who found out first, that's a different question. 'Cause my date's mother kind of walked in on us before we had actually told anyone…" Harryst explained awkwardly. Ginny choked on air, dropped her head down the table and started shaking. It took a few second for everyone to realize that no, she wasn't crying over her crush confirming the fact that he was unavailable; she was in fact laughing her arse off.

"But if you want to know who I told first, well, that would be Remus – though I suspect he already knew – because I wanted to know what Snuffles would have thought about it," Harrynd answered rubbing the back of his head. Many started whispering to each other – "is this the same Snuffles that was innocent?", "does he mean Remus Lupin?", "does this mean he was the werewolf with the grim?"– but the Golden Trio (or is it quartet now?) ignored them all. That might have had something to do with the Harrys enjoying the show, Hermione staring at them, and Ron looking thoughtful for once.

"Right, um, okay… Final question: who are you dating?" Hermione asked then. She knew that Harry would not want his date's identity to get out yet, so this would probably be the breaking point for him – or more likely for the both of them, but at least it would stop the charade.

"… The sexiest person in all of Hogwarts?" Harrynd's answer came out more like a question, but started the gossip mill again anyway.

"The dorkiest, most wonderful, and hottest person to ever grace its halls?" tried Harryst. Now everyone was trying to figure out who would fit all those descriptions. The teachers were also looking at both Harrys with interest, as the only one who knew who Harry's partner was was Dumbledore, and he wasn't sharing (the headmaster found it rather amusing to hear the staff's theories about who the Gryffindor seeker was dating and why he was keeping it a secret).

"Get out of here," Hermione sighed shaking her head. The Harrys looked at each other, nodded, and disappeared in a cloud of smoke. It was a rather large cloud, however, as it soon filled the entire Hall and people started panicking slightly.

It took almost a minute for someone to open the door (for some reason the smoke was resistant to vanishing charms) and Harry couldn't help but shake his head at the lack of common sense all magical people seemed to have while gulping down his drink.

The smoke slowly drifted away, until it the air was clear enough for everyone to see Snape striding towards the Headmaster, whispering in his ear before turning and striding away with his cape billowing behind him (not very many people noticed, but it really was a cape, not a cloak).

"Attention, students!" Dumbledore called out after the Potions Professor had left. "Apparently there was a potions accident which filled the school with slightly hallucinogenic gas, which may have caused a mass hallucination. If you experienced anything odd in the last half an hour, please do not be concerned. The gas has been cleared and should have no side effects."

Students and staff looked at each other in confusion, and only Hermione and Ron along with McGonagall noticed the twinkle in the Headmaster's eyes.

"What I want to know, though, is how they got their hands on Professor Snape's hair," Hermione muttered to herself, but Ron heard it anyway and snorted.

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><p><em>AN: I always found it rather odd that no one thought to play around with polyjuice (except for life and death kinda situations) in canon. Also, just to clear it up: Draco is transformed into Harry and later hides under an invisibility cloak or disillusions himself (not really important) after they "leave" while Harry takes polyjuice to turn into Snape._

_I've also, surprisingly enough, already written a new chapter, so I'll post that next week!_


	6. Chapter 5

_A/N: Thank you for all the support!_

_This chapter was inspired by two online posts; one discussing the most common characteristics in bad guys, and one explaining how Voldemort is like a teenage girl._

_I don't have anything written after this, so the next chapter could take a while. I have no idea what it's going to be about, so if you have any ideas, feel free to share them._

_This is unbetad._

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><p><strong>Chapter 5 (In which Voldemort's a stereotype)<strong>

"You're insane, Potter!" Draco snapped. Every student in that corridor (which was quite a lot of them, seeing as it was lunch time and the hallway just happened to lead to the Great Hall) turned to look at the Slytherin and the Gryffindor he had shouted at. The two didn't even seem to notice the attention they had gathered, but both their friends were looking at them exasperatedly.

"No, I'm not. I thought we cleared this up during the summer; the Daily Prophet took back its claims, remember?" Harry said while tapping his foot. Some of the observers shifted slightly in guilt as they had not believed the boy the year before. Most of them, however, leaned eagerly forward expecting a great fight.

"Yes, you are. The Dark Lord doesn't _giggle_," Draco bit out through clenched teeth. It was a stark contrast to others' jaws, which had pretty much dropped open.

"What, does he cackle maniacally then?" Harry asked sarcastically. The surrounding students choked a little while a few were outright laughing (Ron was among them, and if one looked closely, they could see Hermione's lips twitching).

"No! What are you going to suggest next; that he has a white pet cat which he likes to pet while sitting in an ornamental high chair?" Draco demanded, outraged.

"Of course not," Harry commented mildly, causing Draco to smirk smugly and the other students to deflate in disappointment, "though you must admit, his pet snake does come awfully close to that picture."

There was silence in the corridor for a moment before Ron burst out laughing, taking many students with him. Even Hermione couldn't help but chuckle at this. Though Harry probably wouldn't have been alive if looks could kill, since Draco's expression was as far as one could get from happy.

"You're ridiculous, Potter," he spit out. Harry just raised an eyebrow at the other boy and grinned.

"Not really. I mean, think about it. He has a dear pet, a superiority complex, a foreign accent – I'm pretty sure Parseltongue counts, especially since it makes his voice sound kinda hissy –, a facial deformity – or rather, his whole face –, incompetent henchmen… Just add a mustache and you could attach a sign to him that says 'stereotypical bad guy'," the Gryffindor mused out loud. This time, there wasn't any silence, as there was instantly and uproar of sound: laughter, whistles, shouted encouragements, and even a couple of insults.

"You're spitting mad, Scarhead!" Draco shouted and glared at the Gryffindor seeker. No one noticed his lips twitching upwards as well.

"Nah, I'm pretty sure I'm not. Though being in contact with a psycho like Voldemort would drive anyone crazy, I'm sure," Harry smiled absently. Some students glanced at him mistrustfully while others grinned at his obvious play at making fun of his being called crazy.

"You're living proof of that," Draco said dryly. The observers looked at him in shock; Draco Malfoy, admitting that having contact with Voldemort was a bad thing? Absolutely unheard of! (Of course, they hadn't spent a large part of the summer with the blond, like Harry had.) "I guess I can accept you calling him a stereotypical bad guy, as he quite obviously is the villain here" – more gasps from the other students – "but comparing him to a teenage girl? Especially by saying that 'I wonder if he giggles like one too'? I just can't understand what's going on in that head of yours," Draco continued, shaking his head.

This time most of the observers looked at Harry incredulously, wondering if the Boy-Who-Lived had finally lost his mind.

"Well, you can't deny that he shares some common traits with a stereotype about girls," Harry stated. Draco just glared at him and lifted an eyebrow questioningly, causing many to wonder how he managed to come off as sarcastic without even saying a word. (Some guessed that he had learnt it from his head of house.)

"Let's think about me first," the Gryffindor started, which would probably have come across as quite conceited if not for his following clarification, "Voldemort clearly has an obsession with me, and he probably thinks about me for many hours a day – well, about ways to kill me, but the point still stands. Now, doesn't that sound familiar? A teenage girl fixating on some boy celebrity?

"Then there's Nagini. While the snake also asserts his position as a bad guy, it also makes him seem like a girl. I mean, c'mon, having and clearly caring about your pet? Could be taken as any number of things, but in this context it clearly is something he has in common with teenage girls.

"What about that self-hatred and daddy issues, then? I mean, wanting to kill the entire unmagical population just because his father abandoned him clearly screams 'unsolved parental problems!', while thinking that purebloods are better than everyone else is a definite sign of Voldemort hating himself seeing as he's just a halfblood.

"And last but not least, a diary. Let me ask you this: who keeps a diary? A) A responsible grown-up; B) A teenage girl; or C) A psychotic mass murderer hell bent on taking over the world. Most would probably guess B) A teenage girl, but apparently C is also correct. And thus, clearly Voldemort keeping a diary is something that further links him with girls.

"Take note that I'm not saying that teenage girls really are like that, I'm just saying it's a stereotype. Any questions?" Harry finished cheerfully. Most of the surrounding students were openly gawking at him while some (like Ron and Hermione) were shaking with silent laughter. Draco was twitching slightly, and while one might expect it to be in rage, it was actually because of suppressed laughter. He wasn't quite sure if he'd manage to hold the charade on for much longer. That seemed like an appropriate place to end the play, however, so everything was fine.

"You're clearly lost what little mind you had," Draco stated in disbelieving shock before striding purposefully through the corridor, away from the Great Hall. It might seem odd since he hadn't had the chance to eat yet, but he was simply making his way towards the kitchens where he and Harry had agreed to meet up.

The Gryffindor seeker grinned at his friends before starting up in the same direction as the blond, and while normally this would have attracted everyone's attention, they were currently too busy wondering about a comment Harry had made.

"Voldemort's a halfblood?" one of them finally muttered out loud in the midst of all the silence.

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><p><em>AN: I obviously left out the 'Voldemort has a tiara, jewelry, and a favourite cup' part that was listed in Voldemort's likeness to girls since Harry doesn't know about them just yet. In fact, I have no idea what I'm going to do about the Horcruxes (or is it Horcruxi?)... But anyway, this is supposed to be a crack fic so I don't suppose it's overly important._

_Thank you for reading, and reviews are golden!_


	7. Chapter 6

_A/N: So this took me over a month. Like I said, updates will be highly erratic since I write chapters for this fic whenever I get inspiration._

_This one was inspired by a fic called 'Five Interventions the Avengers Held For Each other and One They Held For Loki' by silverfoxflower (on AO3), and I recommend you all (who are interested in the Avengers obviously) read it 'cause it's brilliant._

_Now, I'm not quite satisfied with this chapter, but I figured I'd publish it anyway since it's been such a long time._

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><p><strong>Chapter 6 (In which there is an intervention)<strong>

"So… What's all this?" Harry asked slowly, looking around the Gryffindor common room. A huge number of people were gathered there and they all had turned to look at Harry once he stepped in. As he caught his friends' eyes, he noticed that Ron looked sheepish and Hermione seemed both apologetic and irritated – based on her expression, most likely at the stupidity of the people surrounding her.

"This is an intervention," Dean said gravely. His words were echoed by nods from people such as Seamus, Lavender, and their other housemates. Neville looked hesitant but went along with the others, and Ginny's expression was so serious that Harry figured she had to be laughing on the inside. Which didn't sound promising at all; it probably meant that something would embarrass him greatly.

"Or a 'Gryfftervention', as I like to call it," Ginny piped up, but Harry determinedly ignored her.

"An intervention? For what?" he questioned when no one explained further. A few people exchanged pitying looks, as if feeling sorry for him since he couldn't see what awful habits he had.

"We know about your affair," Seamus said with complete seriousness. Harry felt his heart skip a beat, but Hermione's little headshake and Ron's twisted lips – a definite sign he was trying not to laugh – were enough to tell him that they were wrong in their assumption, whatever it happened to be.

"My affair?" Harry asked carefully, glancing at those he knew best. Neville avoided his eyes and seemed to be blushing horribly, while Dean faced him dead on.

"We understand that being the Boy-Who-Lived must be stressing for you, but that is not enough to justify these horrible decisions," the artistic sixth-year told Harry, and if it wasn't for Ginny's laughing eyes he would have panicked again. But since they didn't know about his relationship with Draco, what in the world were they on about?

"We're talking about Snape," Seamus finally clarified. Harry blinked once, twice, and then continued staring at his roommate with a flabbergasted expression. The Weasleys were the only ones who looked amused, however, so Harry deduced that everyone else was perfectly serious. Even Hermione, though she was serious with her 'I can't believe I'm surrounded by such idiots' notion that Harry interpreted easily from her body language. (He was sure she was just itching to facepalm.)

"Snape? What's he got to do with anything?" Harry asked then, feeling rather confused. Well, a lot confused, actually.

"You don't have to deny it, Harry. We're your friends," Seamus said. The seeker felt like denying _that_ statement, since he sure as hell wasn't friends with half the people in the common room. He was sure most of them were there for the gossip.

"Right… What precisely am I denying?" he asked flatly when no one else spoke up. Ginny's lips were twitching madly, and Harry took a moment to glare at her for having fun at his expense.

"Your affair with Snape, obviously," Seamus answered him again, and Harry figured he had been chosen as the spokesperson. He didn't take long to dwell on that, however, since he was busy trying to figure out what his statement meant. He hadn't participated in any events with Snape, and surely they couldn't mean 'affair' as in a romantic relation…

Oh bloody hell. Based on all of their serious and slightly nauseous expressions, they sure did.

Now Harry could understand Hermione's feelings perfectly, as well as Ginny's amusement and Ron's sheepish look – which probably came from secondhand embarrassment.

How did they even come to that conclusion, though?

"What makes you think so?" Harry questioned hesitantly. He wasn't quite sure whether or not he wanted to know how his housemates' brains worked, not if they had managed to come up with a scenario such as that.

"It's obvious, isn't it? You're dating a Slytherin, you're suddenly good at potions, and there's no way Snape would have gone along with your Double Prank otherwise," Seamus explained. Harry took a moment to think, and groaned mentally when he realized that that was surprisingly sensible. Well, it would have been, but this was _Snape_ for Merlin's sake. He couldn't believe the others thought he would actually date a man his father's age. Never mind Snape's side of things; no matter how big of a bastard he was, Harry didn't think the Potions master was into teenagers, especially his own students.

"Uh… Well, first of all, Snape didn't go along with my 'Double Prank'. That was a part of the prank," he started to explain. Some of the Gryffindors looked less sure now, and glanced hesitantly at each other.

"But he's been far less of a bastard to you lately!" Dean cried out. Harry blinked at the sudden exclamation, and found that it was true. However…

"That's because I'm actually good at DADA, so he doesn't have excuses to belittle me as much," he said, leaving his housemates feeling rather stupid for not seeing that.

"But, it just makes sense," Seamus frowned heavily. Harry figured he was referencing to his 'affair' with Snape, and at this point he was pretty sure the Irish bloke was the one who had come up with the idea in the first place.

"Really? It makes sense? What part of me, having sexual relations with _Snape_ of all people, makes sense to you?" Harry asked flatly. Seamus found himself opening his mouth to explain, but came up short. The other Gryffindors seemed to be having the same problem, since now that Harry had pointed out their idiocy, the idea did seem pretty ridiculous.

"So you're not, uh… dating… Snape?" Neville spoke up finally, though Harry would have missed it if someone else had been talking due to the quietness of the question. The seeker realized that Neville had simply gone along with his roommates because of his – nowadays less strong – fear of Snape as he was scared of the 'what if' situation. Thank Merlin that not all of his roommates were completely moronic.

"No, I'm not. I'm not dating any professor," Harry answered and Neville sighed from relief. Ginny looked ready to burst into loud laughter while Ron looked slightly nauseous and Hermione was determinedly ignoring everything going on around her by focusing on her book.

"Oh… Are you sure?" Seamus asked then, and Harry just glared at him until he offered a sheepish smile and a slight shrug.

"Now, if we're done gossiping about my love life, I'll go finish my DADA homework since I don't actually want to give him a reason to start treating me more horribly again," the seeker said and left to walk upstairs to his dorm before anyone else had the chance to say something completely stupid. Merlin, sometimes he understood Draco's comments on Gryffindor idiocy.

"Thank Merlin you talked us out of making a banner. He'd have set it on fire," Harry heard Seamus say right as he was closing the door, and based on the quiet thud, Hermione had hit her head on the table in front of her.

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><p><em>AN: I have nothing against SSHP myself, and there are some great fics with that pairing - the Marriage Stone comes to mind - but this Harry would definitely be horrified by even the possibility._

_Again, reviews are always appreciated! (seriously, just a simple 'I liked this' or even a 'lol' will make my day. not that favourites or follows aren't lovely because they are, but a comment somehow is even better)_


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